1. Get her drunk
2. She will start crying about who she likes.
"Be like the flower that gives its fragrance to even the hand that crushes it.”
- Imam Ali (a)
Everything you love is here
I found a journal entry I wrote almost 3 years ago when I first entered Sophie Davis, and was awed by the magnitude of change that has occurred throughout these past few years.
Yesterday, I took my second official medical exam - the NBME Anatomy board examination. Anatomy was the single most rigorous course I have taken thus far in my life. To learn the entirety of the human body - every last blood vessel, lymph node, muscle fiber, gland, organ, and nerve ending and their functions - in a matter of 10 weeks was certainly no easy feat - yet at the same time, it was a new and life-changing experience that I daresay was at least a little enjoyable.
It was challenging, testing my willpower as I studied past 4am each night only to wake up a couple of hours later to head to lab bright and early before the sun had even risen. My mental and physical stamina certainly got stronger as I ran around the cadaver lab reeking of formaldehyde for hours trying to dissect and learn every inch of every cold, lifeless body. I had the worst anxiety attacks before my exams and practicals - to the point where I broke down multiple times within the same morning. Night and day, sick or healthy, on the subway or while waiting for my food at take out restaurants, regardless of whatever mood I may have been in, I spent each breathing moment clutching my textbooks and notes, trying to absorb just a little more…
I still remember 1st year, when my friends and I would go clubbing on the weekends, partying, enjoying the drama between friends… and now, all of that seems… rather foreign. I don’t have the urge to feel crazy and party anymore. Drama doesn’t really amuse me as it used to. All I seem to worry about these days is the reading there is to be done, lab, work, research, school, exams. Oh, and fitness. I’ve been going to the gym on a regular basis mornings and evenings, and I think I’ve become quite addicted. It’s become my only source of stress relief, a refuge from the pressure of assignments, a place where I can shut off my mind at least temporarily.
I am still in shock that anatomy is over. I woke up this morning, at a loss for what to do with myself. So I started reading for my next course… in the one free weekend I have before my life is once again taken over by Histology and Physiology. It terrifies me - the fact that I feel as though I’m losing the part of me that makes me human. The part of me that knows how to go out and enjoy the countless things life has to offer. Here I am in the middle of NYC, and I have no other desire but to find a corner in the library, open my next textbook, and become lost in the matrix of cells and pathogens.
Once upon a time, I asked God to make me one of the most skilled doctors in the world. Now I am praying for him to save my soul and humanity throughout this long, mind-numbing journey. I’m not complaining - in fact, I absolutely love the challenges I face every moment of every day. I just don’t want to lose the compassion that made me want to pursue this path in the first place. I want to see people as people, not a collection of organs and tissues for me to diagnose and treat. I’ve been noticing that I’ve become distant with my old friends, and it makes me sad and angry at myself that I’ve been locking myself in study rooms, refusing to answer texts and chat messages…. neglecting my responsibilities as a true friend. And yet, they always seem to be there for me whenever I turn around. I really am blessed to have such people in my life, and I really hope that one day I’ll get a chance to repay them for their steadfast love and for not giving up on me, and for staying with me and supporting me through my times of desperation and frustration.
In a little over one more year, I will be taking my US Medical Licensing Examination, and a couple of years after that, I will have my MD. That’s assuming I pass all my board examinations and courses along the way. I still have a long way to go, but I know I will make it through. I’ve realized that as I continue down this road, it always becomes more difficult, not any easier. So I have a new resolution: to not complain anymore - and to face everything with a positive attitude and determination. I promise to become stronger and more responsible, proactive, and mature. To become someone worthy of the privilege of taking care of others.
1. When people remember my birthday even if it’s not posted on facebook
2. And leave wine and chocolate at the door in the middle of the night
3. And I’m certain that he’s the kind of friend I’ll keep forever
4. Did I mention forever? I hope we’re next door neighbors in heaven.
5. Oh and sugary things make me happy too. Like… Cupcakes (just the frosting part). Rainbow cookies. Churros. Cinnamon toast crunch cereal.
6. Going to the gym also makes me ecstatic. Nothing like a good “runner’s high” adrenaline rush
7. Proving people wrong is also fun. Like when I walk up to the bars at the gym, squat 150 lbs, and watch everyone’s jaw drop.
8. I feel good when I can genuinely help someone - improve their lives a little through my efforts, even if it’s at my own cost.
9. Not procrastinating and knowing I’m already done with work so I don’t have to freak out. Unfortunately this doesn’t happen often.
10.Reading old diaries always make me smile - middle/high school drama and emotional rants are always fun to read. I used to be quite a writer. Should have been a lit major…
11. Good music. Especially stuff by Lindsey Stirling. I like a wide variety of music, but I know it when one just “clicks,” and then I’m addicted for a month.
12. Anything that makes my mommy happy <3 Even if it’s doing the dishes/laundry. I love it when she smiles
13. Being loved
Found chocolate and wine on my doorsteps on my 21st birthday. I generally don’t tell anyone when my birthday is… No note no name but I have a feeling who. #truefriends #21stbirthday #touched
1. The fact that my entire 20’s will insanely stress-filled, locked in a hospital/lab. sleep-deprived, fighting to maintain my sanity.
2. Chances I should have taken, mistakes I’ve made
3. My reflection in the mirror. And how I don’t recognize it anymore.
4. The homeless & beggars on the streets. Especially on freezing days like today.
5. Baby blue
6. Nostalgia - things that remind me of what I used to have.
7. Friendships turned cold - passing by old friends on the streets without saying a word
8. Raindrops on windows
9. When I unintentionally/accidentally/unknowingly hurt someone
10. Not being able to return feelings.
11. My parents suffering for me
12. When my parents pick on my sister and nag her & compare her to me. (this one just makes me angry actually)
13. Thinking of those I’ve lost, and their families.
1. Don’t be greedy & take what belongs to others.
2. Once you start something, finish your work.
2. Stop polluting the world - you’ll pay for it in the end.
3. Never forget who you are, no matter how much the world tries to change you.
4. Your environment shapes who you become - and sometimes can drive you crazy.
5. There are more important things than gold/material goods
6. Be brave. Take the first step, and the rest will follow.
7. Do whatever it takes to save who you love
8. It’s worth traveling hundreds of miles for that one person
9. Once you meet someone, you never really forget them.
Zeniba - [Giving Chihiro a hair tie] It will protect you. It’s made from the threads your friends wove together.
I wish I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model, had the intellectual capacity of Terrence Tao, was skilled enough to win a gold in the Olympics, and had superpowers. haha. sure.
If I had to change a few things about myself…
I would be more honest to myself, I would be less prideful, I would stop caring so much about how others judge me, I would have greater willpower and diligence, I would be more organized.
I also want to be a better listener and friend.
I’m going to tweak this one and make it 3, not just one:
SO here goes…
1) I would get rid of all diseases and disabilities. (Even if that would technically deprive me of my future job)
There would be no more heart-stopping moments where a patient/family is told of a fatal diagnosis, no more health care corruption, reduce pain and suffering, allow everyone to reach their fullest potential.
2) I would make everyone blind to physical differences - poor/rich, old/young, fat/thin, tall/short, pretty/ugly, fair/dark skinned, People should be judged for who they are as a person, not for what their outer shell exhibits.
I once came up with a couple of abstract thoughts - what if our outer features reflected the goodness inside our hearts? One with a beautiful heart would physically be beautiful as well. Or… what if humans didn’t have our current shape, and everyone was a sphere of light, which glows brighter depending on the magnitude of kindness or compassion or happiness?
3) Lastly, I would end loneliness. I would like a world in which everyone finds their true significant other/soulmate. Sort of like fate/destiny. Everyone should be allowed to experience the kind of love where they’d be willing to give up everything to preserve it. It doesn’t always have to be a boyfriend/spouse. It can be between best friends, siblings, parents and their children…etc
For in the end, three things remain - faith hope and love, but the greatest of these - is love.
I would be a much happier person. I think. I hope. I dream.
Let’s see… my dream
I’d like to become the sort of physician whom my patients would trust without a doubt. No doctor is perfect, but I’d like to come as close as possible. I want to save lives, be the cause of tears of happiness, be a role model, a friend, a companion, a good mentor, an inspiration.
Perhaps (and this is a BIG maybe) if I ever do achieve my dream, I’ll give love a second shot. Maybe I’ll muster up some courage learn to open my heart again. Maybe I’ll learn to forgive myself.
This is a tough one…It’s like asking a strawberry, why are you red?
But I guess if anything, it’s to provide the as much happiness as I can to those around me, especially my family.
It’s strange, but I feel as though I’ve lost the concept of happiness and enjoyment for myself.
Things I do for myself seem meaningless - getting new clothes/shoes, being pampered, receiving compliments, material and physical goods…
What does bring me satisfaction is when I provide happiness/comfort for someone else at my own expense. And lately, it’s honestly the only way I feel any sort of contentment…
The possession of wild/exotic animals, including:
Wolves, foxes, lions, tigers, leopards, jaguars, cheetahs, ferrets, panda bears, squirrels, eagles, hawks, prairie dogs, porcupines, deer, giraffes, zebras, kangaroos, koalas, dolphins, elephants
If I could/had the facilities, I’d raise any of the above.